Selfish Sunday 3|8|2020 – Learning the language of the heart

He was the love of my life.

He’d finish my sentences and I’d finish his. His company turned even the simplest things into adventures–I’d make excuses to take Target runs just to feel his hand lay gently on my leg as we would make our way to the store and to look at him all googly-eyed as we walked down the aisles holding hands. I felt so safe and special in his presence that I’d been sure I was the luckiest girl in the world to have a love like this…until that love drove me insane.

It’s easy to look back now and see all of those little, red flags that ultimately summed up to verbal abuse. Going through it, I assumed he had been trying to build me up; give me the hard truths when no one else would. Ya know, showing me tough love. Little by little, though, tough love became a tactic to manipulate me–to control what I felt and eventually, what I thought. 

He’d equate the expression of my thoughts and feelings to nagging and minimized them with a “you’re tripping.” His tone became condescending. His patience for working things out shrunk a mile a minute.

At the time, I figured that if I’d stop triggering him that his scornful behavior would stop. All that did though, was make me feel worse. I kept things that bothered me to myself. I tried to ignore the feelings that I’d usually speak on. I constantly questioned feelings. Am I actually tripping? Are my insecurities clouding my judgment? Is he right?

No, I wasn’t tripping. Those were not insecurities; they were instincts. And no, he wasn’t right.

With time, and building trust within myself, I’m learning to respect what I feel. To the right person, my way of self-expression will be seen purely for what it is–authenticity. They won’t manipulate situations to cast doubt in my intuition. We will work through things together. Most importantly, they will respect me and my quirks, not undermine them.

The message. I’ve found great value in taking a moment to evaluate how other people make me feel. I won’t tell anyone to walk away from a person whose vibrations are sending theirs into havoc and I can’t provide anyone with specific circumstances to when they should stay. My best advice would be to go inward and accept yourself. Listen to your needs. Address your attachment and emotional history and learn how to let go and listen to your intuition.

No one is you and that is your power.

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